I ponder whether anyone is actually reading this journal. Not that it matters to me, really; I'd post anyway even if no one really was reading it, because this journal is kept for me. It's a place to collect and record my thoughts and I plan to re-read every single entry one day when I'm old and gray and know that I'm nearing the end of my life.
Tonight, however, I'm writing one of those journal entires where I actually do wish people were reading and responding to my journal, because I'm posting about an observation I've made and I'd like to know if other people experience the same phenomenon.
Crushes. When I was growing up, I got crushes on people. Lots of people, actually. And when I met Heather, I had an instant crush. Things worked out, we're married, and we're happy together. Eight years on, and I have no desire to leave her, in fact I often think about just how wonderful she is and how glad I am that I found her.
But I still get crushes. I have a desire to spend time with certain people, to get to know them, to share my thoughts with them, to help them. The feeling is identical to the feeling I got when I was young. I had figured that these crushes were a psychological thing and that they'd either go away when I got married. Obviously, they haven't. My most recent crush, however, has left me puzzled...
She's so wrong for me. In almost every way she's wrong, and I know it. If I actually had a choice, I wouldn't pick this girl to have a crush on. And yet... there it is; I look to see if she's on-line when I am, and when she is I excitedly say hello. It's pretty much left at that; I'll never confess my crush nor will I act on it beyond having a casual conversation. I'm faithful to Heather. I'm faithful to Rozz.
So, knowing this, I wonder if perhaps my crush isn't psychological at all, but perhaps it's physiological. Perhaps it has to do with pheromones. Perhaps there is something physical which causes two people to be interested in each other, and even when those people have found their perfect partner they'll keep feeling that physical pull toward other people.
Taking it a step further, perhaps cheating happens only when that physical pull is felt and the individuals choose not to hold back and don't recognize that the feeling they have is something else.
So there we are. I have a crush. It's dumb. But I don't have control over having crushes, I just have control over how I act.
1 comment:
Having crushes the way you described them is natural, although I never thought of them as crushes.
I believe that new people are exciting, but some are definitely more exciting than others. Some people make you explore yourself more, some are just people you find yourself attracted to, and some are just so different or 'cool' that you really want to get to know them.
I, personally, wouldn't classify them as crushes, but as long as you never act on these feelings, you're not really cheating.
There is such as thing as an emotional affair, though, so be sure not to get caught in that net. I know you love Heather so much that this isn't a problem, but just wanted you to know it exists.
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